I didn’t want anyone to know that I struggled. That I did not have a positive body image. Or that I suffered from bulimia.
I suffered silently for 5 years in the prison of my own mind. Trapped in a guilt and shame cycle surrounding my body image and the repetitive self-destructive behavior that threatened everything that ever mattered to me.
At the depth of my struggle with bulimia, I would eat three meals per day and purge two of them.
I was obsessive about the kind of food I ate and how frequently. All I thought about was food and how I could control it to ensure my body stayed in the same shape.
I was afraid to gain weight and afraid to lose weight. I was so ashamed of my inability to get myself out of this binge-purge cycle that I isolated myself from friends and family. Somehow, I feared what they would think of me if anyone found out.
I meditated, I practiced yoga, I ate clean, I wrote in my journal, and I tried to rewire my mind with affirmations and mantras. I did everything I thought would help me stop the behavior and change my beliefs around food, health, and body image.
Until one day I broke.
No longer could I carry the weight of this suffering alone. I shared my deepest darkest secret with my boyfriend at the time. He had no idea I struggled with bulimia. I was really good at hiding it.
Then I cried and cried and cried some more. I could no longer uphold the projection of perfection. I could no longer pretend that I could figure a way out of the cage of fear I found myself trapped in 24/7.
From there my healing journey began. I shared my struggle with my family and friends. I worked with a shaman and sacred plant medicines to help me release the emotional baggage and subconscious belief systems that were the roots of my disorder.
Today my nonchalance around food is seriously laughable. The obsessive thoughts that used to haunt me no longer exist or enter my headspace. I didn’t know my mind could be so clear! It’s still hard for me to believe where I was and how far I have come.
I share my story because I know I’m not alone. Millions of women suffer from or have experienced eating disorders and body image issues.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. You absolutely can heal your heart and mind. You can learn to love yourself unconditionally. I love you, and I am here if you need to talk.
Send this to a friend who needs this message.
Sending lots of love,